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[typing sounds]
[Dr. Stewart:] Hi, [I`m] Dr. Stewart. [Gary Phelps:] Hi, Dr. Stewart. Nice to meet you -- I`m Gary Phelps. [Dr. Stewart:] My pleasure. Gary, have you ever been hypnotized before? [Gary Phelps:] No, I haven`t. I`m actually quite nervous, but I just, uh, I -- [Dr. Stewart:] All right, and you were referred to me by anyone...? [Gary Phelps:] To be honest with you, I saw your name in the Yellow Pages, and It said you`re good at this stuff, so I just, I gotta give it a shot, just kick this whole cigarette thing... [Dr. Stewart:] So smoking is your problem? [Gary Phelps:] Yeah, I can`t stop smoking and it`s -- it`s finally, like, affecting everything I do, I can`t run, I can`t play basketball and all that stuff like that, so I, I gotta give it up. [Dr. Stewart:] How long have you smoked, Gary? [Gary Phelps:] Uh, I started when I was eleven years old, and I just can`t kick it, you know? [Dr. Stewart:] Yeah, right. [small, barely noticeable fart] All right, Gary, why don`t you just have a seat here and sit down and just relax -- what I do is hypnosis. [Gary Phelps:] Right. [Dr. Stewart:] Basically I just want you to sit back and relax -- let yourself sit back and relax and sink into the chair, and , um, just feel comfortable and trust me. [bigger fart] [Gary Phelps: noticing fart sound] Uh... [Dr. Stewart:] That`s it. [Gary Phelps:] O-kay.... [Dr. Stewart:] That`s it. [Gary Phelps:] That was...o-kay... [Dr. Stewart:] All right? Okay. Gary, I want you to close your eyes, and I just want you to again relax and try to concentrate on nothing. Okay? That`s it. Now I`m gonna count backwards from five to zero -- [Gary Phelps:] Right. [Dr. Stewart:] -- and I just want you to relax, and you`re going to fall into a deep state of mind -- of subconsciousness -- you`re very comfortable, I`ll be counting back from five, I just want you to relax, and just think of nothing. [three farts in succession] [Gary Phelps:] Are you gonna keep doing that, or...? [Dr. Stewart:] Hmm? Just concentrate now. That`s it. Close your eyes. Keep your eyes closed. Okay. Now. We`re very comfortable. Five [small fart], we`re thinking of nothing except being comfortable and nothing`s bothering us. Okay. When I say the word "relax," listen to me, you`re sinking, you`re sinking, [medium fart] [Gary Phelps:] Oh my god...that was, uh....are you gonna keep doing that? [Dr. Stewart:] Please just try to relax; that wasn`t me. Okay. You`re very stressed -- you`re very stressed. Okay, four, we`re relaxing, we`re relaxing, you`re very comfortable, you`re very, very soothed. Okay. Four, three...[fart] [Gary Phelps:] Oh my dear god, sir...uh, I can`t... [Dr. Stewart:] That was the couch. I know it sounded like -- it`s -- the vinyl -- it`s a new couch -- please, just try and concentrate. Okay. And we`re very sleepy, we`re relaxed, thinking nothing bothers us, nothing bothers us -- [several farts] [Gary Phelps:] Uh, um, all right, could you open a window, maybe? I`m just having a tough time concentrating -- [Dr. Stewart:] Hmm? Here we go -- there, there, we`re relaxing, we`re relaxing [fart and cough together] three, two, two -- [Gary Phelps:] I was just going to ask you if you could maybe stop doing that. I can`t concentrate when you`re doing that. [Dr. Stewart:] This is what I do. It`s a counting-down thing. We`re relaxing now. Just relax -- let it go, don`t focus on anything else, just concentrate on what we`re doing here. Three, two, relax, relax, that`s it, just relax [fart], we`re relaxing now -- [Gary Phelps:] Okay -- you`re gonna -- that one was -- it`s getting a little irritating -- [Dr. Stewart:] Hang on just a second here. Let me just step out a second here. [Gary Phelps:] That`d be good. [Dr. Stewart:] All right, and we`re relaxing, as I leave, we`re relaxing, still relaxing, [fart in the distance] [Gary Phelps:] Jesus...Oh my God. [Dr. Stewart:] We`re relaxing. [Gary Phelps: trying hard not to laugh] [Dr. Stewart:] Okay, I`m back, we`re relaxing, and we`re counting down, we`re to two, and all we`re thinking about is healthy, fresh air. Freshness. Breathing in. Breathing in deep, letting out. [fart] [Gary Phelps:] Sir, I`d appreciate if you could stop `letting it out`. But okay, okay, fine, thank you. [Dr. Stewart:] That`s it, you`re all right, everything`s good. All right, you feel very comfortable, you`re sinking into the chair, we`re relaxing, one [long fart], and we`re coming down to zero and -- [Gary Phelps:] Oh my god, uh...yes, all right, it was nothing... [Dr. Stewart:] No, no, that time that was you. [Gary Phelps:] That wasn`t me! [Dr. Stewart: We`re not here to pick sides, we`re not here to pick sides, that was you, and maybe we could deal with this in another session, but right now we`re dealing with the smoking, and, um, let`s not worry about anything else that`s going down -- [Gary Phelps: OK, I`ve just gotta kick this habit. [Dr. Stewart: Down to zero, relaxing, we`re going to feel very fresh [fart], we`re going to feel very healthy [fart], and let`s take a nice, deep breath -- [Gary Phelps: I can`t breathe, sir, uh, I`m sorry, I just -- ["squirty" fart] [Gary Phelps: Oh my god -- what did you eat? It smells like baby food -- [Dr. Stewart:] All right, we`re relaxing -- that one probably squirted out a little into the pants, but we`ll just continue with thte floating [fart] -- yeah, that was definitely a squirt -- but here we go, one, zero, we are under. Are you relaxed? [Gary Phelps:] Yeah, I`m under, I guess. [Dr. Stewart:] Here we go, relaxing, relaxing. You`re under a deep trance, you will not smoke anymore, you will just feel healthy from now on, and you`ll be breathing in nothing but fresh air, and you will not smell anything in this room, it wasn`t me, it wasn`t me farting [fart] -- that was not me -- [Gary Phelps: hysterically laughing under his breath] You`re gonna have to stop doing that, sir. It`s just very hard for me to listen to you when you`re -- [Dr. Stewart:] You`re floating now, you`re high above, you`re looking down, nothing but fresh pastures and fields, and here we go [long fart] [Gary Phelps:] Oh man... [Dr. Stewart:] -- that was you, [Gary Phelps:] That was not me, sir! I`m watching you! [Dr. Stewart:] That was you, and when you wake up, you will not remember any of this, except that it was you, or my receptionist, don`t worry, she gets it all the time. All right -- you smell nothing; I`m perfectly clean. I have no bad gas; it was all from outside or from -- from -- you yourself. And let`s not forget the smoking thing that`s why you`re here. No smoking. Repeat after me: I am a smelly pig. [Gary Phelps:] What? [Dr. Stewart:] All right, we`re moving along, and we;`re relaxed. [fart] All right, and now we`re going to count back up, up one to five, [Gary Phelps:] OK, you know, I think this is fine, I don`t want to smoke... [Dr. Stewart:] Gary, settle down, relax, and when I get to five, you will snap out of this, and you won`t remember this, especially the smell, the smell was from you. All right? And here we go. Zero, we`re coming out of it, you`re waking up slowly, your eyes are opening, one, you`re feeling good, and when you wake up, you`ll feel wide awake and perfect you`ll feel whole and [fart] all-righty, I ripped that one out there and I apologize. I ripped a good one there. That was a nice out.. [Gary Phelps:] That was not nice. [Dr. Stewart:] Here we go, and, we`re coming right [fart] [Gary Phelps:] What was that? [Dr. Stewart:] That was three. [Gary Phelps:] It didn`t sound like three. [Dr. Stewart:] three, I`m counting, and four, it`s no smell in here, and you don`t smoke, you don`t want a cigarette, no, and here we go [fart] five, and -- [snap] Do you want a cigarette? [Gary Phelps:] No I don`t. [Dr. Stewart:] Then my job is done. [Gary Phelps: bursts into laughter] [Dr. Stewart: fart] Please leave the door open as you leave. [fart] [Gary Phelps:] OK, thank you, Doctor. [typing resumes and another fart is heard]
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